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What if…

All the time, all the things that happened… were my fault? And maybe that’s why every time I read anything I pretend to look through your eyes and begin to see the monster I was to you… I never meant to do that to you if I did. I know you think I did but I can’t seem to decide between your manipulation or my bruised sense of self. I just wish I could go back with what I know now and love you the way I should have. But you have your life with her and I get that I do, I’m happy for you genuinely. Moving on sucks.

Apt. S533


When I close my eyes I walk my way through the walls of that apartment, just to let the tears fall as I begin to remember the horrific events that took place. The place I lost myself, burdened myself, broke myself. The place you caged me in, locked the door and made a scene when I tried to leave. “Forget the past and open up your future” they say. But I say, I can’t forget the way the walls echoed his screams. I can’t forget bringing the bed into the living room because we are adults now and we can have a fort in the living room if we want to. I can’t forget the hole in the wall from the textbooks meant for me. I can’t forget picking up everything I owed in the apartment stairwell screaming “stop please make it stop”. I can’t forget the adrenaline that ran through my veins when you called me baby. I can’t forget bringing Dexter and Athena home and watching you learn to love two beings so much it hurt. I can’t forget locking myself in your bathroom and sitting against the door sobbing while you pleaded from the other side to give you one more chance. I cant forget trying to leave and having a screaming match so loud in the parking lot people came rushing, concerned. Now the texts start. And anxiety kicks back and cracks a cold one to enjoy the show. Text message, Facebook messenger, Instagram messenger, twitter direct message, fake phone numbers created for the sole purpose to say to me: “I hope you have fun with whatever you do tonight, you whore” I will never forget that statement. No matter what, as long as I live, when I hear the words “I hope you have fun” I cringe. My face goes numb and the world falls away from me. How could I be with anyone but you after all this torture… will I ever be able to nurture the love I deserve without running? They say “forget the past and open up your future” but I am nothing without my past. I am who I am today, because of apartment S533

Be careful what you wish for

“and I wished you had hurt me harder than I hurt you

Ooh, and I wish you wouldn’t wait for me but you always do

I’ve been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn’t

Somebody’s taking care of all of the mess I’ve made

Someone you don’t have to change

I’ve been hoping

Someone will love you, let me go”

You found someone…. and you’ve let me go. And I am happy for you. It’s what I have wanted for so long but.. I can’t shake the feeling that it should be me. It should be me sitting with you and bullshitting with you and watching you eat your cheeseburger with just ketchup and mustard. Yes I remember. You hurt me harder this time. You stabbed me in the heart real good this time.. but it’s what I’ve been hoping for. I wanted you to hurt me harder than I hurt you but is that just guilt? Guilty for leaving? guilty for not trying as hard as I could have? I guess I’ll never know. All I know now is becarful what you wish for.. because it might just come true. I hope you’re happy, maybe we will meet again one day.

I made so many mistakes while fucked up.

After my self exploration trip, I discovered many things. I need to fix the perso I am, to be the person I need to be. I have to drop people from my life and move on. Stop getting so fucked up you can’t remember, stop doing things you regret the next day, stop being stupid and naive. So many things I need to work on and now have that self realization. Own up to your actions, no matter how much it hurts. Stop smoking so much and try to screw your head on right and remember shit. Your friends really are a reflection of you. Is that who you honestly want to be? These questions I pondered and thoughts I went over and over and made some decisions but I also have so many doors left open. So many things left untouched or unthought or unsolved. This year is all about new beginnings. Not second guessing myself. Being true to myself. And at the end of the day, I’m okay with it being just me, myself and I.

It would have been so easy to go back to. So easy to relapse into it. So simple. It would almost feel like going home. To let it consume you. To let it take over. To give into it.

It was only a small part of you that stood up and said ‘no’. That said, ‘you’re better than this.’ That said, ‘choose happiness. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s the hardest choice you’ve ever had to make.’

Sue Zhao // Relapse (via blossomfully)
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